What Does Your Reaction Say About You? The 4 Types of Men Who Get Their Balls Busted

I've kicked a lot of men in the balls. More than most women. Probably more than most anyone. And after years of careful, dedicated, completely scientific research into the subject, I can tell you with full confidence that men fall into exactly four categories when it happens.

You think you're unique. You're not. You're a type.

The moment my knee connects, you reveal everything about yourself. Your pain tolerance, your ego, your relationship with vulnerability, your entire personality — all of it, instantly exposed. I see it immediately. I think about it later and laugh.

Here's what you are.

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Type 1: The Silent Crumpler

You don't scream. You don't announce it. You simply... cease to function. One moment you're standing upright like a person, the next you are a slowly deflating structure, folding at the knees, then the hips, then the shoulders, until you are a pile of man on the floor making absolutely no sound at all.

This is somehow more alarming than screaming. At least screaming means something is still working. The Silent Crumpler has gone somewhere else entirely. He's on a different plane. His eyes are open but nobody is home.

What it says about you: You are a stoic. You were raised to not make a fuss. You would rather quietly die than give anyone the satisfaction of knowing you're in pain.

Unfortunately, collapsing completely silently to the floor in front of me is not actually the dignified response you think it is. I am absolutely losing it. I'm just doing it quietly too, out of respect.

Recovery time: Long. Take your time down there.

Type 2: The Dramatic Screamer

Oh, you. You beautiful, theatrical disaster.

The sound you make is not proportional to what just happened to you. It is not proportional to anything that has ever happened to any human being in recorded history. Dogs three streets over stop and look up. You grab yourself with both hands like you're trying to keep your organs inside your body. You go down, but loudly, narrating the whole experience as it happens.

"OH NO. OH NO NO NO. OH THAT'S — OH GOD. OH. OH THAT'S BAD. THAT IS SO BAD."

Yes. We know. I was there. I caused it.

What it says about you: You process pain externally. You need an audience. Somewhere in your childhood someone paid a lot of attention to you when you were hurt and your nervous system never forgot it. You are not embarrassed by any of this, which is honestly your best quality. The Dramatic Screamer is always the most fun because his reactions are the entire show. I'll be honest — he's my favorite.

Recovery time: Faster than you make it look. You're fine within ten minutes but the performance runs considerably longer.

Type 3: The Laugh-Through-It Guy

You're the confusing one.

I kick you, there's a moment of silence, and then you start laughing. Not because it doesn't hurt — it absolutely does, your face confirms this — but because something in your brain has short-circuited and decided that laughter is the appropriate response to blinding groin pain. You're laughing and wincing at the same time. It's a bizarre hybrid expression that no human face should be able to make.

Sometimes you say something like "okay that was a good one" while still crouched on the floor. I don't know whether to be impressed or concerned. Usually I'm both.

What it says about you: You've made peace with it. You've been here before, you'll be here again, and somewhere along the way you stopped fighting the experience and started appreciating it. The Laugh-Through-It Guy is almost certainly the most experienced man in the room. He has logged serious hours. He is, in the best possible way, a professional.

I've met a few of these. One of them ended up in my video — watch his face when he realises what's coming. He's still smiling. protecturnuts.com/valentina 😏

Recovery time: Minimal. He was fine before he hit the floor.

Type 4: The One Who Comes Back Immediately

This one fascinates me from a purely scientific standpoint.

I kick him. He goes down. Standard procedure so far. But then — and this is the part that gets me every time — within sixty seconds he is back. Upright. Functioning. Looking at me. Already thinking about round two.

He doesn't need ten minutes. He doesn't need to lie on the floor and contemplate his existence. He processes the whole experience at high speed and returns to position like a very strange boomerang.

This is either extremely impressive or slightly worrying. Honestly, after everything I've seen, I've decided it's impressive.

What it says about you: You are wired differently. Pain and desire have become so thoroughly intertwined in your particular nervous system that the recovery mechanism and the wanting-more mechanism have essentially merged into one. The moment the pain starts to recede, the want rushes in to fill the space. You are going to be absolutely fine. You are also definitely coming back.

I respect this type enormously. Don't tell him that.

Recovery time: Sixty seconds. I've barely stopped laughing and he's already back.

One More Thing

Whatever type you are, you came back and read this whole thing. That tells me everything I need to know about you.

Which type are you? Tell me in the comments. Be honest. I already know the answer.

Watch me find out which type you are in person at protecturnuts.com/clips Or stop renting and own it all forever — Universeflix Lifetime VIP — 300 memberships. Ever.