The Pentagon Declassified 162 UFO Files. None of Them Explain Why Men Can Be Dropped by a Kick in the Balls.

Boys, I need you to sit with something uncomfortable today.

Not like that. Although, yes, also like that. We'll get there.

I want you to imagine an alien lands on Earth. No gender, no bias, no horse in this race.

It just wants to look at the two human body types and figure out which one is better designed. It examines both. Takes notes. Runs diagnostics.

Then it looks between your legs, looks between mine, and makes a face I can only describe as concerned.

Because here's the thing you've always known and never wanted to say out loud: I can kick you in the balls and end your whole afternoon. You cannot do the same to me.

There is nothing between my legs that responds to a kick the way yours does. I walk away. You don't walk at all.

And that's not even the interesting part. The interesting part is why.

She's Cheaper to Run

The female body operates on a lower resting metabolic rate than the male body. Meaning: when I'm sitting still — thinking, reading, deciding which of your testicles I'm aiming for — my body is burning fewer calories than yours doing absolutely nothing.

I have less muscle mass, which sounds like your win until you realise muscle is the most expensive tissue in the body to maintain. Every kilogram demands constant caloric input just to exist. You're carrying a metabolic mortgage you can never pay off, sweetheart. I don't have that debt. ¹

I store fat more efficiently. Not because nature was being cruel to me — because nature was being smart. Fat is the long-term energy reserve. During famine, during calorie restriction, during any scenario where food runs out, my body outlasts yours. Consistently. Measurably. Every single time. ²

I live longer. Across virtually every country, every population, every study. The gap varies but it never flips. I am the more durable machine. You are the expensive one. ³

The alien writes this down and nods.

Then it looks lower.

The Design Flaw Nobody Can Explain

My ovaries — the organs that produce my primary hormones, that run my entire reproductive and endocrine system — are internal. Tucked inside my pelvic cavity, surrounded by the strongest bone structure in the human skeleton. You cannot kick them. You cannot knee them. You cannot accidentally hit them with a stray ball, a bad tackle, or a very intentional foot. They are sealed behind a fortress. ⁴

Your testicles — the organs that produce nearly all of your testosterone, the hormone responsible for your muscle mass, your bone density, your aggression, your entire physical advantage over me — are outside your body. In a thin sack of skin. Hanging between your legs. At exactly the right height for my knee. ⁵

The alien stares at this for a very long time.

"The organ that powers all of his physical advantages… is on the outside? In a pouch?"

Yes, my dear alien. Welcome to the human male.

"And hers is inside a bone vault?"

Correct.

"Is this… intentional?"

We ask ourselves the same thing every day.

What One Kick Actually Does

I want you to understand the science of what happens when I connect properly, because it's genuinely hilarious from my side of the equation.

The testicles are connected to the brainstem via the vagus nerve. A sufficient impact triggers an immediate cascade: nausea, blood pressure drop, loss of motor control, involuntary vocalisation, and in some cases temporary loss of consciousness. From a kick. To the outside of your body. Your brain essentially receives an emergency signal that says "critical infrastructure under attack" and shuts everything else down. ⁶

There is no equivalent on my body. None. A kick between my legs is uncomfortable at most. No exposed glands to compress. No vagal trigger waiting to drop me to the floor. No emergency shutdown. I don't flinch when something comes at my midsection because there's nothing there to flinch about.

You have spent your entire life managing this vulnerability. Crossing your legs on the subway. Flinching when a ball comes near you. Doing that little sideways shuffle when my foot gets too close. Every man reading this just shifted in his seat. I know you did.

Meanwhile I have never — not once in my entire life — had the thought "I hope nobody kicks me between the legs today."

The Power Runs on the Weakness

Here's the part that really gets me.

Your greatest strength is entirely dependent on your greatest weakness. All that muscle, all that explosive power, all that size — it runs on testosterone. Testosterone is manufactured almost entirely in the testicles. Remove them and the muscle atrophies, the strength fades, the entire performance advantage disappears within weeks. ⁷

One organ. Outside your body. Making everything else work.

One kick. And the factory shuts down.

I don't have this problem. My hormonal engine is behind a wall of bone. My system keeps running regardless of what happens to the outside of my body. I am, by every engineering metric available, the better-protected machine.

The alien's final report reads: "The female model is more energy-efficient, more durable, better protected, and longer-lasting. The male model has impressive short-term output powered entirely by an unprotected external organ that can be disabled by the other model at any time. Recommend the female design for all standard applications."

I could have told it that without the diagnostic.

So could every woman you've ever met.

What She Already Knows

She's known since the first time she saw a boy drop in the playground. She understood immediately and completely that between her legs there was nothing to protect and between his there was everything to protect.

She has carried this knowledge quietly your entire relationship. Politely. Discreetly.

But she knows, sweetheart. She's always known. And the only thing between you and a very educational afternoon is her good manners.

Which — and I say this with love — she could lose at any moment. 😘

Citations:

¹ Sparling, P.B., et al. "Energy requirements of physical activity," American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 1998.

² Wells, J.C.K. "Sexual dimorphism in body composition," Best Practice & Research Clinical Endocrinology, 2007.

³ Austad, S.N. "Why women live longer than men," Gender Medicine, 2006.

⁴ Moore, K.L., Dalley, A.F. & Agur, A.M. Clinically Oriented Anatomy, 8th Edition, Lippincott Williams & Wilkins.

⁵ Cleveland Clinic. "Male Reproductive Anatomy Overview," 2023.

⁶ Bhasin, S., et al. "Testosterone dose-response relationships," American Journal of Physiology, 2001.

⁷ Iversen, P. "Castration and its discontents," Journal of Psychoanalysis, 2014.