How and When to Kick a Man in the Nuts
So you want to kick someone in the nuts? Great, here are the ground rules.
Man Kicking Man
There is a code among men: you never ever kick a man in the nuts. It’s cheap, it’s dirty and just plain cruel. But wait, there are exceptions to this rule.
1. The other man is brandishing a weapon. Because he has already chosen to fight dirty, it’s okay for you to resort to crushing his testicles with your foot.
2. You are outnumbered. If a fight is not one on one, that’s cheap. Feel free to unleash your foot into the nutular area.
3. Your target has already kicked you in the nuts. By kicking you in the nuts, this man has changed the rules. Destroy his balls if you want to.
4. Your adversary has slept with, hit, held hostage, kidnapped or harmed your girlfriend or wife. If someone messes with your woman, they do not care about the man code. Decrease their likelihood of impregnating a woman by sending your foot into his scrotum if you want.
5. You and your opponent have agreed to a ball-kicking duel. Why you’re doing this is beyond me, but if you both consent to it, have fun.
NOTE: While the situations above allow for you to kick your opponent in the nutters, a punch to the face is so much cooler (click here if you want to learn how to punch someone in the face). You’d never see Ivan Drago kick anyone in the nuts, that’s for sure.
Woman Kicking Man
Women, you do not have balls and, thus, do not understand how much it hurts to have them contused. If possible, never ever kick a man in the nuts unless you have to. Here are some situations where it’s okay to sent the pointed toe of your boot into a man’s genitals.
1. Exceptions 1,2 and 4 that apply to men, apply to women too. Numbers 3 and 5 don’t apply because, as already mentioned, you do not have testicles.
2. If your boyfriend or husband is cheating on you, it’s most likely his genitals that are to blame. Punish them with your foot.
3. If a man intentionally tries to physically hurt you, it’s okay to kick them in the nuts. Men are generally (but not always) stronger than women, and that’s an unfair advantage. A man should never physically hurt a woman, but if he tries, feel free to propel your stiletto into his nutsack.
How to Kick a Man in the Nuts
Again, I can’t stress this enough, only kick someone in the nuts when it’s absolutely necessary. It really really really hurts. If you do kick a dude in the nuts, here’s how to go about it:
1. Locate target. Usually, testicles are located between someone’s legs at the peak of the inverted ‘V’ formed by his legs. It’s safe to assume this as it would be more than surprising if your opponent’s balls were located in his armpit.
2. If time allows for it and your foe deserves it, feel free to take a running start.
3. Pull your leg back. Imagine you’re kicking a soccer ball. The farther you pull your leg back the harder the impact is going to be. Be warned that pulling your leg back too far might compromise your balance.
4. Propel your leg forward at maximum speed. Toe aimed at nuts.
5. Make contact with the testicles from below. The idea is to crush the nuts between your foot and the ceiling from which the ballsack is hanging.
6. Finish your opponent or run like hell. When your opponent is staggered or crumpled on the ground, you might hear a Mortal Kombat like voice in your head say, “Finish Him.” Finish him or run because chances are, if your opponent recovers from the nut kick, he will be enraged and wanting to destroy you.
There you have it folks. For all you jerks out there, you might want to start wearing a jock at all times.